THIS IS NOT A TIRE

Disclaimer: This shorty is about real friends who lost their jobs. This situation is truly sad and disheartening; furthermore, I hope I never have to go through something like it again. That said… I have always found that humor is one of the best ways to express my unease and concerns.

Waiting can get to even the most patient of people, but waiting in a group can bring healthy functioning adults to a frenzy of hysterical rants and belief in the shadiest of rumors. I’ve heard it said that “a person is smart, but groups of people are dumb.” What I observed over the last two months confirms that statement to me. Rumor becomes fact and spin becomes law. People look for hints and meaning in a hand shake, head nod, even wording within emails, including those that are one on one and company wide. Whispering groups break up as others approach. Some people were even preemptively cleaning out their offices in anticipation of bad news being delivered. There has to be documentation on how to conduct a merger, or how to communicate when you can’t really communicate…yet. From my perspective, no one looked into it. Morale was already at an all time low and I have to assume we have further to drop before once again (if possible) coming together with smiles.

We all knew it was coming. That part was not shocking. I’ve been through two rounds of layoffs prior to this one. Besides the sheer numbers, the difference between this one and the preceding sets was the element of surprise. These layoffs were lorded over us for so long I’ve forgotten what it is like to feel safe at work. A ‘successful’ layoff is much like how an eagle grabs a fish out of a river. Imagine you are a fish for a second, swimming along with your school, chatting with the guy next to you…then he is gone. You don’t really know the details of how, what, or where he ended up; but what you do know is that he is gone and you will now have to swim with a different fish. People (fish in this case) ask fewer questions, take on new duties and find new avenues to continue until told what really happened. In other words the deed was done before the masses were cognizant of the event, just plucked out of the water, while the rest swim on.

Oh not this round …no eagles here. We discussed who was likely to be on the list. People were digging and conversing with those they thought might know something. When perception is lost the mind can no longer make decisions correctly; much like a long straight railroad with a solid line of trees on either side. Standing on the tracks it is very difficult to determine the train’s real distance or speed from one’s self (this Monday…no Wednesday…wait I heard it’s THIS Monday). Now imagine you realize that your foot is tied to the track. You have no knife to free yourself. There you stand, waiting for the train, you can feel the tracks start to rumble (or you receive an email randomly informing you to be at work, on a work day.) Watching the ‘decision’ chug its way steadily toward your location, everyone sees the train approaching. You’ve made provisions or you have not, but the result will be the same. On the list, or not on the list.

Those people not on the ‘list’ were left confused and wandering amongst the carnage of the day’s event. Did you have goat blood over your cube or office? Shell shocked, we walked down to have boxed lunches and learn about what is planned for our future. What it also meant was missing out on saying goodbye to close friends and co-workers (perhaps the timing associated with that part of the day was researched.) Slowly, a week later my head is starting to function again.

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There are types of conversations that are frequently referred to as ‘ice breakers’ or ‘small talk,’ but perhaps they are really just dialogue’s lowest common denominator. Similar to adding fractions in elementary school, its like finding the lowest common topic (LCT) with strangers or acquaintances…furthermore, I don’t even like pie. LCT’s reside in the safe areas of general chit chat, an overall feel good subject. They take as wide a conversational step as possible away from anything containing risk, avoiding the big three at all cost. No one can be offended, everyone can add input, and children can be within ear shot. In fact, I might add for socialization purposes it might be a good idea to discuss these kinds of things around kids…as to improve their ability to perform the same actions when society deems them of sufficient age to continue this mind numbing banter.

The worst LCT offender is the weather. Sure there are many others and everyone has a few standbys: national sporting events, a new restaurant, a PG news story (birth of a panda…always a hit). When asked to comment on the weather you should be aware that it has been agreed upon (silently) that this conversation is going no where. In elevators, office hallways or parties (where you know very few people) LCT’s become your best asset in navigating these encounters. Though tedious, no one likes the shy or stand-offish. Thus said, even those who detest speaking of the weather must participate in this social grace for the better good (seems I still a bit of a socialist).

You and a co-worker, you and your hair stylist (free him from this conversation! Really? Do you really think this is the first time today he’s had to discuss ‘how lovely the weather has been lately’??… Well, its not), you and ‘fill in the blank’ will only speak for a short period of time and neither you have much to say of worth given the allotted time and degree of familiarity. Perhaps you are on a conference call with people in a different part of the country and everyone has yet to dial in; preferring light conversation to silence its an easy filler until business begins.

In addition to the brief conversation there is little investment to the other party. Its not as if on second meeting you can say, “yes, remember…we talked about the weather, how is that going”? There is nothing discerning or encouraging to a discussion about the outdoor temperatures or atmospheric activity.

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There is a back story in the lead up to the BIG day, but I’ll keep it focused on the high points.  However, I will tell you that I did spend the weekend prior memorizing the study guide, which I knew most of the answers to already; and had the help of a number of co-workers quizzing me daily.

I arrived at the Immigration building within the prescribed 30 minutes prior to my appointment, and was sent to the 3 floor to await my interview/exam.  Imagine sitting in a very large open room. Everyone has someone with them and is chatting to his respective companion while you’ve been told to listen for your name to be called out.  Now add to this task, no one in the room is speaking English!  And a flat screen TV showing CNN Headlines with the volume being piped in at such a volume you could almost hear it.

While waiting, I had the pleasure of over hearing one guy come out of his interview.  He was VERY excited! “I passed, I got all my questions right except for one!” he told his ‘girlfriend’.  “What did you miss?” she asked inquisitively… “Some song about Bangles,” he replied with a smile.  Off they went to the staging area for the oath ceremony.  Now I don’t know about you, but ‘Walk like an Egyptian’ is not normally the song I hear at the beginning of a baseball game, but maybe it’s me.  Today, this guy is as Red White and Blue as you and me.  For the record, the correct answer to the question he missed is the national anthem Star Spangled Banner, written by Francis Scott Key.

Once called in for my interview, of course with ‘no personality guy,’ my nerves were running high. Right out the door I had failed to bring passport photos, and was now at risk of not making the swearing in that day! Ahhhhhh, it’s like going to dinner with people you hardly know and immediately saying something offensive without knowing!!!!

The reading and writing portion of the exam:

My immigration officer printed off a sheet of paper and wrote the word ‘writing’ in the middle of the page; he then turned the sheet toward me and pointed to a printed sentence at the top of the page and asked me to read it aloud.  It read: They buy mostly from the store.

Thoughts that resulted in a few questions about the above statement, which I didn’t really ask:

1. Is this really a sentence?
2. What are they buying?
3. If they are not buying at the store, where are they buying things?
4. What does that mean really?
5. Who has the job of writing these sentences?
6. Who selects the sentences for mass use?

I was then asked to pick up a pen. I obliged noticing quickly that the pen was frayed at the tip and was a bit bendy adding some difficulty to my task at hand.  I was focused and determined; the officer dictated the sentence twice: “He wanted to talk to his boss. (Pause) He want-ED (Pause) to TALK to HIS boss.”

Right, got it! I handed him the paper back.  He took out his red pen and wrote PASS over both the typed sentence and the one I had transcribed (YES! One step closer!).

The American History and Government questions:

Ready? Did you study?

1. How many times can a US Senator or Representative be re-elected to congress?
2. What is a change to the constitution called?
3. What is the highest court in the country?
4. Who said, “Give me liberty or give me death?”

Answers:

1. Unlimited
2. Amendment
3. US Supreme Court
4. Marie Antoinette… just kidding… Patrick Henry (he was a fiery leader…)

Post haste, I acquired the said ‘missing photos’ and was sworn in that day.  Sadly I was not in time to make the Big swearing in with 100 other strangers. You know… the one with the music and videos, the goose bumps and emotions.  Instead I was sworn in with 3 others, who must have also and minor issues with paper work or photos.  I was vetoed on the pomp and circumstance.  So, quietly and with little ado, I along with 3 unknowns became an American.  Those who know me… know I have a ton of energy. I wanted nothing more than to jump up and down, give out hugs and laugh about it all; but rather I shook hands with the lady who performed the swearing in.  She shook hands with a dead fish handshake, mind you.  I promptly left with my hand held flag and new citizenship.

My friend Jennifer was waiting for me at Starbucks down the street, and when I explained how I missed the main event she turned to the guy sitting next to her and explained that I had just become and American!!! He was kind enough to be excited as well…and then the coolest thing happened it spread throughout the store and my newly fellow Americans were welcoming me into the club!  How perfect and appropriate that Starbucks be the first place of many celebrations!

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