THIS IS NOT A TIRE

Guns: such a pleasing topic for so many, yet I just can’t seem to relate. People use words such as beautiful, stunning and classic when describing the old fashioned six shooters. The fact that gun shows are as popular as they are says so much about people’s need to see them, and exclusively appreciate the design because you can’t use them while attending. Guns just make me uneasy, and when in their presence I become quite uncomfortable (oh, I’ll add…this is when they contain bullets and when they don’t.) I was born to a family that didn’t have guns in the house (Canada…sheesh,) and my father didn’t hunt. I was in my twenties before I knew I regularly ate deer meat growing up. “Isn’t dinner just lovely dear?” “Oh yes dear,” my parents would exchange at the table…kid code, so to speak. I shan’t digress into a diatribe of ethics or opinions of hunting. First, that’s not humorous, and second, not something that contributes to my uneasy regard of these spring loaded life takers

When creating the picture of how guns make me feel…Hmm, how best to describe my emotions? Tampons boys, tampons. Oh, I know how a gun works (high level of course) and I understand its main function, but I would rather not see them. Let me see: Guys know how ‘condensed cotton cylinders’ work (high level of course.) Check. I guarantee men acutely understand its main function (many a weekend spoiled due to this extra carry on.) Check. As far as being around them men would prefer not to know they are even in the bathroom. Check. Feeling the correlation yet? Seems I’m three for three! Not too many guys signing up to see said item in action; furthermore, try bringing up these ‘cycle stoppers’ at a dinner party. It’s not going to be a winner (my dinner parties excluded solely on the basis that I’ve recently read the tampon instructional booklet at the table.) Men, in general, would prefer hard labor over discussing feminine hygiene.

Although women have many shapes, sizes, and flavors to choose from, we do not have ‘tampon shows.’ Every pharmacy, supermarket and grocery has a whole section devoted to women’s health. Ever notice how empty these aisles are compared to gun show weekends? Okay I’ll give that to you…not a similarity. But they are of equal verity with respect to choosing the weapon or tampon needed for the job at hand. Machine guns, hand guns, riffles, pistols, single shooters. Regular strength, maximum strength, wings, panty liners, and light day choices. Interestingly enough, one brand in particular favors the shape of a bullet right out of the packaging (ask a friend.)

From a young age girls develop the art of making it to the restroom without anyone noticing it’s that ‘time of the month.’ I mean, what could be worse? Yup, you guessed it. This is similar to carrying a concealed weapon (watch out Texas, we’ve got your number.) Many guys over time collect a small arsenal in their own homes. I can promise you, every bathroom in a girl’s place has an assortment of feminine products to choose from. If you find yourself in an emergency, in both cases it’s always great if a friend just happens to be packing one.*

If history is to be proven correctly, anger, moodiness or an emotion that is caused by a source that appears to be outside one’s influence precedes the use of both items. Come on, give me that one! How many people do you know in a jovial mood that fire off a couple of rounds (shooting range excluded?) Ladies: Great mood or disheveled right before your body tells you what’s happening?

In closing and bringing things full circle, these two items are from time to time used in conjunction with one another. Oh, yes. Tampons are a great agent when trying to plug a bullet wound. So perhaps, this wasn’t so off the wall after all.

*Expounding creative property of Matt Kozler.

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Oops, you cannot fix that mistake…You cannot… Socially awkward moments have zero recoverability! These moments are when you realize you’ve walked yourself down a path which ultimately results in your being verbally hanged. They are the worst types of social blunders. No one helped you or coerced you into the situation; you helped yourself so to speak. We’ve all done it. Perhaps you were nervous in a new group, conceivably missed a crucial part of the conversation, or hoping to impress a potential mate you contributed to the discussion; which results in an unrecoverable comment that will have you looking for the rock nearest you to crawl under. Truthfully it’s more of a glitch. Evidently the switch that protects us from saying the wrong thing at the wrong time does appear to ‘go off line’ from time to time. It fails to fire and you are left with a mouth full of your own ungainly foot. It’s as if watching yourself channel the past mistakes of others and embracing them as you pose that fatal, I mean final, remark.

Ever heard the expression ‘can’t shoot a man that’s going to hang himself?’ Ever say it to a co-worker trying to console him the day he is given the news that a good friend hanged himself? No? I hope I’m the only one who can own that extreme beauty! Oh yes, I totally said it. I was on ‘hang’ when I realized what I had just said. In my defense (of which I have none) he was talking about how he should have done more, or how he wished his friend would have come to him. So it seemed fitting at the time. Clearly not fitting!

We all make mistakes, but when you do not see someone and later tell them that you didn’t see them and walk away again you cannot foster friendships. No conversation, no interest in what is going on in her life. Ever have that person be the current girlfriend of your first love? Well, not sure of the after conversation between those two, but I don’t think I’d really want to be around. These things happen, and will continue to happen. The mouths of your friends drop as you tell them what you did, but as mentioned earlier, there is no recovery. Offenders Anonymous (OA) …could I be on to something? Only if we are willing to admit our transgressions with groups people. Can you image the conversations around that water cooler?

Pregnancy…what’s the rule? Never ask, imply, infer, or otherwise inquire about a woman’s condition unless she first brings it up. It’s the silver rule. We all know the Golden rule. This is the runner up. Much like the Golden, we don’t always hold true to the guidelines. No one wins here. She goes home and cries because of the conclusion formulated in the mind of another that she was ‘with child’ when it was just a Buddha Belly (I would stop eating for a week if it happened to me.) You on the other hand, once you found solid footing again, go home and think about how tragically ruined her night was based exclusively on your comment. Furthermore, you’re trying to figure out why you said it…what possessed you to say it in the first place?

One of the most important things to remember about ‘mis-speaks’ is everyone has an example, even the tidiest of people. Quite honestly it could be the largest self help group, easily taking the place of AA for the largest organization in the U.S. Per example, I was sharing my latest gaffe with my hair stylist; and she had numerous stories of her own failures and offenses. She, unlike you, then had the pleasure of cutting said customer’s hair after verbally gutting her.

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