THIS IS NOT A TIRE

June 29th, 2009

Guns: such a pleasing topic for so many, yet I just can’t seem to relate. People use words such as beautiful, stunning and classic when describing the old fashioned six shooters. The fact that gun shows are as popular as they are says so much about people’s need to see them, and exclusively appreciate the design because you can’t use them while attending. Guns just make me uneasy, and when in their presence I become quite uncomfortable (oh, I’ll add…this is when they contain bullets and when they don’t.) I was born to a family that didn’t have guns in the house (Canada…sheesh,) and my father didn’t hunt. I was in my twenties before I knew I regularly ate deer meat growing up. “Isn’t dinner just lovely dear?” “Oh yes dear,” my parents would exchange at the table…kid code, so to speak. I shan’t digress into a diatribe of ethics or opinions of hunting. First, that’s not humorous, and second, not something that contributes to my uneasy regard of these spring loaded life takers

When creating the picture of how guns make me feel…Hmm, how best to describe my emotions? Tampons boys, tampons. Oh, I know how a gun works (high level of course) and I understand its main function, but I would rather not see them. Let me see: Guys know how ‘condensed cotton cylinders’ work (high level of course.) Check. I guarantee men acutely understand its main function (many a weekend spoiled due to this extra carry on.) Check. As far as being around them men would prefer not to know they are even in the bathroom. Check. Feeling the correlation yet? Seems I’m three for three! Not too many guys signing up to see said item in action; furthermore, try bringing up these ‘cycle stoppers’ at a dinner party. It’s not going to be a winner (my dinner parties excluded solely on the basis that I’ve recently read the tampon instructional booklet at the table.) Men, in general, would prefer hard labor over discussing feminine hygiene.

Although women have many shapes, sizes, and flavors to choose from, we do not have ‘tampon shows.’ Every pharmacy, supermarket and grocery has a whole section devoted to women’s health. Ever notice how empty these aisles are compared to gun show weekends? Okay I’ll give that to you…not a similarity. But they are of equal verity with respect to choosing the weapon or tampon needed for the job at hand. Machine guns, hand guns, riffles, pistols, single shooters. Regular strength, maximum strength, wings, panty liners, and light day choices. Interestingly enough, one brand in particular favors the shape of a bullet right out of the packaging (ask a friend.)

From a young age girls develop the art of making it to the restroom without anyone noticing it’s that ‘time of the month.’ I mean, what could be worse? Yup, you guessed it. This is similar to carrying a concealed weapon (watch out Texas, we’ve got your number.) Many guys over time collect a small arsenal in their own homes. I can promise you, every bathroom in a girl’s place has an assortment of feminine products to choose from. If you find yourself in an emergency, in both cases it’s always great if a friend just happens to be packing one.*

If history is to be proven correctly, anger, moodiness or an emotion that is caused by a source that appears to be outside one’s influence precedes the use of both items. Come on, give me that one! How many people do you know in a jovial mood that fire off a couple of rounds (shooting range excluded?) Ladies: Great mood or disheveled right before your body tells you what’s happening?

In closing and bringing things full circle, these two items are from time to time used in conjunction with one another. Oh, yes. Tampons are a great agent when trying to plug a bullet wound. So perhaps, this wasn’t so off the wall after all.

*Expounding creative property of Matt Kozler.

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